Here I Am
by Sylentia Levin
Summary: An opinion about friendship from Ruki's emo point of view.


Here I am inside this car with my band mates, somewhere where I feel happy but depressed at the same time.

Everything had gone on so perfectly, the audience was just so wild and we only got the chance to play Filth in the Beauty and LEECH before the police cancelled the whole live. But that's just what's making me so happy, even though it got cancelled and all; they _loved_ us. They loved the GazettE, _us_, and they loved our music. That's what making me feel really alive.

But why is there always this empty feeling in my chest every time I'm with my friends or with my fans and why is it always present except when we're all going wild on the stage? I always wished that lives could last forever so I could be close to my friends, so that we could enjoy everything together… Not that I'm being egoistic or anything, it's just that there's always this empty feeling even though I'm surrounded by millions of people that I know well, that I love, but I still feel alone.

One of the reasons that I joined this type of musical entertainment is because I feel that the only best friend I have is music. I've never really had any best friends in life; they merely come and go. When I finally met Uruha and Reita, I thought that I've finally found what I've been looking for, a true friend, but they've abandoned me in the end, for Aoi and Kai. They only stuck with me when our last band broke up and at the beginning of GazettE.

Am I jealous? I guess. I don't have the right to be, I mean, Reita and Uruha have been childhood friends and Kai just happened to feel more comfortable around Aoi; but I can't exactly say that I don't know anything of why they're like this. They think of me being weird sometimes, a little too hyperactive or really into things, but I've never felt that I've done anything wrong. I've never felt that I've hurt them. If I did then why didn't they just say so right in my face? They know I won't mind. So why are they starting to ignore me now?

I turned my gaze from the view outside to the chaos happening within; the others were now posing all over the place, taking a few silly pictures before Kai finally put in on recording mode and everyone tried to their best to act silly.

I'm usually really into those narcissistic stuff like taking pictures and all, but I've simply stopped playing along with them since …

Since forever, I guess.

I just never bothered anymore. The only thing I'm good at is making music and lyrics and that is where I belong; behind stacks of papers with a pen or pencil twirling around between my fingers, inventing new tunes and making lyrics that match them. I'm not fit to go and play with them; I've got better things to do, right?

Besides, they'll just ignore me anyways.

Every time I give an opinion they'll pretend as if they've not heard me (or maybe my voice is too soft?) and every time I stick out a helping hand they'll turn to another except if I'm the last option they've got. Only when they really, seriously need me (or atleast my expertise in something) then _and only then_ will they come looking for me and ask me for help.

Even sometimes more than just plain _help_.

Maybe they just don't wanna bother me… But _please_, that's such a cliché answer.

How can I refuse to help someone, honestly? I hold friendship dearly and I'll do anything to keep the bonds intact even if the end I know that they'll probably not do the same thing for me. Reita and Uruha always had said that I give too much without getting or wanting to receive anything back. They said I was an idiot for accepting fate just like that and that I should dare to step up and say "I QUIT!" when the situation is starting to hurt me too much.

How ironic it'll be for them when they know that they've been advising me to quit on themselves.

But I don't think that I'll ever have the heart, the courage or the will to quit on them, GazettE especially. We're in a band and I could endanger all of our careers if I'm being plain egoistic and won't help them or if I quit and move to another band just because I don't feel okay or because I feel that I'm being hurt too much.

One has to sacrifice for the sake of many, right?

Well, that _one_ just happened to be _me._ I don't mind, really, I love to help people but I'm really starting to feel as if I'm some kind of a third wheel… Or at least a spare tyre. I feel like a plastic bag. They keep me, use me, then throw me away in some road-side garbage can without even bothering to recycle me properly when they don't need me anymore. But who does, these days, honestly? The 'recycling', I mean, both literal and not.

But I guess it's better like this; better than nothing at all, right? Besides, even if I _do_ quit, what are the chances of me landing in a better situation in another place? In a band, no matter what happens, we'll have to stick together. Because we know, _I_ know, that if anyone of us is under stress or pressure then the band's music'll fall apart. I might as well stay here where I'm safe with people I've known since for what felt like forever; Reita and Uruha.

"Hey, Ruki! What'cha daydreamin' bout?" Uruha asked, his face suddenly appearing in my line of vision a bit too close than comfortable and I pushed him back a bit.

"Ew, Uru, get off me," I mumbled as I noticed that one of his knees was put onto the free space beside my thigh, one of his arms on the table in front of me and the other on the wall behind me. It was as if he was cornering me.

"Oh, sorry. You don't usually mind," he said guiltily, smiling sheepishly before continuing, "Hey, could you take a few pictures for us?" he asked, backing away a bit and handing me the camera with a smile and I nodded.

"Yeah, sure, why not?" and I took the object from his hands. I laughed at their silly, sometimes suggestive and fun poses, taking a few shots before handing the camera back, watching them continue their fun.

Sometimes they make me think. They didn't ask me to join their pictures or anything; maybe I look tired so they didn't wanna bother me? Or maybe they just forgot that I loved pictures.

Nah, I can't be pessimistic! Cheer up, Ru!!

_Nope, just being realistic._

Augh, quit the emo thoughts, Takanori!

"Hey, Ruki, you having a fever or something? You're so quiet," Uruha commented, reaching out to press the back of his hand to my forehead. I felt the heat creep up my cheeks and I pushed it off and stood up, not that it made much of a difference in my height anyways, and went off to get my laptop without a single word. I could sense his gaze boring into my back but I didn't pay much attention. I know he'll get over it.

_I_'ve always gotten over it.

He's got someone, and I'd be an idiot for hoping for anything.

* * *

Ruki is so definitely emo. But... yeah, that's another side that I've been able to see in him... So, R&R, constructing flames are welcome!


End file.
